My Mind's Eye (Pub Fiction #1) Read online

  “Last night, I took one of the sleeping pills Doctor Benson prescribed for me,” I say, shaking my head more at the irony of the situation than the fact it’s crazy how a little pill can pack such a punch. “Of all the times I decide to take one, this happens. It’s been a few days now since I’ve had any sleep, so I figured I should be well-rested for the trip home.”

  “Well, that explains it. Maybe you should see about getting a lower dose, ’cause, girl that shit knocked you out!” Claire jokes, clearly trying to make light of the situation. “Thank God I didn’t stay at Laurie and Jenn’s last night like I had planned. I would hate for anything to have happened to you. I can’t ever imagine…” She whispers the last bit, but I catch it. Her words impact me immediately.

  What?

  Sirens, accompanied by flashing red and blue lights, approach on the horizon, only solidifying the gravity of the situation. My ears catch the voices of other people in the vicinity; more coughing, crying, and attempts to soothe one another. There are now hundreds of our fellow students here on the sidelines in the middle of the night, gaping in shock at the reality of this situation. This fire is sure to change all of our lives.

  As I stand beside Claire, waiting for the firefighters, I distantly hear her go on and on about how they’d better be hot. I know she’s trying to brighten the mood; however, all I can think about is what could have happened to me tonight if Claire hadn’t been home. Goosebumps settle over my skin, as I shudder at the thought.

  The fire’s glow radiates from the building and I can almost feel the blaze as its heat kisses my skin. I could still be in there. That’s when I feel it, when the full impact of her words hit me like a ton of bricks.

  Suddenly, I’m having a hard time catching my breath. “I…what?” I’m gasping, unable to get the words out. “What do you mean imagine? Oh my God, Claire! What if you weren’t home? What if I didn’t wake up?”

  My heart is beating so fast I can feel its heavy pounding echoing in my ears. The anxiety slamming its way in overwhelms me, consuming my thoughts. I reach for my chest to try and lull the panic that is taking over. Teetering in my stance, everything begins to fade. I feel weak, dizzy. Fuck, I can’t breathe. I bend over, trying to even out my breathing, my thoughts. It’s no use. The repercussions are too much for me to bear. Then, by some small stroke of luck, before succumbing to its power, giving in and allowing it to take me over completely, I’m pulled tightly into a familiar set of arms. Arms that demand I fight, arms that offer support, comfort. And, thank goodness, it’s enough. Slowly, I regain control as a sense of calm washes over me. I silently thank the ‘best friend’ gods for giving me Claire, who is always there for me. Especially tonight.

  “Kat, I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just thinking out loud. Fuck, you need to calm down. Take a deep breath, just try and focus.” Claire faces me, mimicking how I should take calming breaths. “Oh, Kat, shit, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I’m upset. I was just rambling. You need to keep taking big, calming breaths, Kat, please.” I can tell she’s upset, but it doesn’t help me. I still can’t quite seem to stop all of the what ifs from creeping into my mind.

  Finally, after what feels like forever, I’m able to even out my breathing. Thank goodness for Doctor Benson teaching me—or rather forcing me—to learn those breathing exercises designed to help me relax. He said to use them on nights when I’m feeling a bit like Stressor, but don’t want to take the Imovane. Doctor Benson had warned me on my last visit that if I continue down this path, not only will I need a sleep aid, but he might have to insist on adding an anti-anxiety pill into the mix.

  “I’m going to be all right, Claire. I just had a bit of a panic attack, but I’m okay. I’m feeling better. I know you didn’t mean anything by it. I just couldn’t stop the scary thoughts from getting to me. Fuck, it’s like a feeling of doom took me over,” I tell her. “But, honestly, I’m fine.”

  Claire squeezes me closer to her while we stand side-by-side, staring as the firefighters make their way closer to battle the blaze, which has now engulfed everything in a mass of amber light that I can imagine is being seen for miles. A blaze which I could have still been stuck inside of. I shake my head to rid myself of the thought. Again, I think: Thank God for Claire. I can’t seem to shake that train of thought from my mind or the hope that this night doesn’t end as a tragedy for anyone. I silently pray that everyone is safe tonight.

  While we’re waiting to give our statements to the police, Claire smiles and says, “Well, Kat, as you know, I like to find the silver lining to everything. I think the fact that we just finished our exams and it’s summer vacation is a huge lucky break.”

  “You’re right, Claire. I can’t begin to think of where the hell we would have lived or how we would have been able to study while we finished the year, and how we’d replace our stuff—” I start rambling, but Claire is quick to cut me off.

  “Jesus, Kat, stop. You’re gonna make yourself have another panic attack. Slow down on all those ideas of yours. None of it matters. Your parents will be here soon, I’m sure security got a hold of them by now, and we’ll have a few months to deal will all the aftermath. Breathe, Kitty Kat. I was just saying we were lucky to be going home for the summer, so we don’t have to deal with this shit right now. I wasn’t trying to make you go crazy with those thoughts of yours.”

  “I know. You’re right,” I tell her. “I just can’t get out of my head sometimes.”

  She nods. “I know, young Jedi. We’ll get you there, but, hey, just think, we’re heading home and we’ll have lots of time to replace our stuff, meet boys, and best of all, neither of us,” she glares at me, “will be doing any kind of studying until September. See? We’re lucky.” Claire winks.

  I know she’s trying to distract me. She is more than aware that I’m not fine. Although, I can’t help but think, Yeah, she’s right. I’m lucky. I really do need to work on getting out of my own head.

  I clear my throat and step in front of her for a moment as a security officer directs us to make our way to one of the school buses they brought in to take us to the police station so we can give statements and wait for our parents to come pick us up.

  “Claire,” I say, putting my hand on her shoulder. “I don’t know how to say thank you. Honestly, I hate to think what would have happened if—”

  “Stop.” Claire raises her hand between us, her tone telling me to listen to her carefully.

  “Don’t say it. Don’t even fucking think it,” she counters, pulling me into a full-blown hug. “We are both safe, and that’s all that matters. From this moment on, don’t think about anything other than that.”

  I nod in agreement as I hug her back, tears streaming down both of our faces.

  “I love you, Claire,” I whisper in her ear. She moves, pulling away just enough so we are now face-to-face.

  “I love you too, Kitty Kat. I’ll always have your back. Remember that.” She gives me a big sloppy kiss on the side of my face.

  “Eww, Claire, what the hell?” I cringe, wiping my face with my sleeve.

  “Tension breaker,” she shrugs, and for the first time since she woke me up, we share a small laugh.

  I always knew Claire was my best friend, but with tonight’s events, I realize even more how special this girl is and just how lucky I am to have her in my life.

  Chapter 1

  Kat

  July

  “Jeez, that was a lot of shopping. I usually love to shop, but, man, that was a workout. I’m surprised we managed to get it all back here,” I say, feeling overwhelmed looking at the pile of bags, boxes, and suitcases littering the basement of my parents’ home. Claire and I have finished another round of shopping; we’ve been trying to replace as much as we can of everything we lost in the fire before we head back to school next month.

  “I think we’ve got everything we need. I can’t think of anything I’ve missed. You?” Claire asks.

  “Nope, I think I’ve replaced all the
important things I needed for now,” I tell her, looking around the room. “We sure did some damage today. Good thing we rented the bigger moving truck.”

  “Hey, Kat?”

  “Yeah?”

  Claire nudges me. “I guess now we know how Julia Roberts felt in Pretty Woman. It’s too bad we didn’t have a Richard Gere there to help us out. Not that your mom wasn’t awesome, but I could have used a little eye candy and muscle to carry my bags.” She laughs before sorting her stuff from mine.

  I am lucky my parents bought me renter’s insurance for the things I lost in the dorm fire. As for the aftermath, other than a couple people suffering minor burns and a few with broken bones, no one was seriously hurt. I don’t think I could have handled it if anyone had been. With the fire being deemed an electrical issue, the insurance company was quicker than expected to send my parents the cheque, which was more than enough to cover our losses. Shopping for new furniture, clothes, and other items was actually a lot of fun for Claire and I. I had thought trying to replace everything would have been long and tiresome.

  “You know, as much as I’m going to miss all of my old things, I need to tell ya, I’m pretty frickin’ excited about all of our new stuff,” Claire says. “Especially the new MacBooks we were able to squeeze in with the insurance money. Ours were way in need of replacing.”

  “I know. I think I bought mine in the eleventh grade. Definitely an exciting purchase,” I agree.

  “I’m super excited!” I say as I pull the white box out of the Apple Store bag. “I totally need to go to Apple school, though. We both know how non-tech savvy I am.”

  Claire and I nod in agreement at my comment, because it’s absolutely true. My new Mac has way too much power for the likes of me.

  I never realized how quickly you can lose so much. Many of the trivial little pieces of our lives we take for granted, having deemed them unimportant until they are gone. I had hoped to at least salvage a few personal mementos, but unfortunately, the blaze left me with nothing. Not even the building survived; it collapsed. Those items are irreplaceable, like the picture of my Nana and me at the school talent show where I had won first place. Or the quilt my mom made me out of all my old concert t-shirts. I loved that blanket; it reminded me of home. I can’t dwell on it though, and I know this. It only stresses me out and won’t change the outcome.

  I can’t speak for Claire, but I know the fire took a bit more from me than just my stuff that night. Now, each day, I will be grateful for my life and will work on trying to live a little, as Claire puts it. I can’t help but think how lucky I was that night. I still get this crazy, tight feeling in my chest and throat whenever I think about it for too long, but as time passes, the panic is shrinking more and more. I started seeing a therapist shortly after the fire, because I wasn’t able to stop the anxiety from ambushing my thoughts, and it was beginning to really affect me. After a few bad panic attacks in the weeks following the fire, and talking with my parents, it seemed like talking to a professional might help.

  I started seeing Dr. Lukas, a psychologist who treats trauma survivors as per Dr. Benson’s recommendation. I was seeing him twice times a week in order to help me to process my thoughts and feelings. It was the best decision I could have made. It turns out I basically have some form of PTSD. Luckily, with Dr. Lukas’ help, I’ve made so much progress that I no longer have regular appointments. We decided I can see him on a monthly basis if I feel the need, or I can simply call in and book an appointment through Lynn, his secretary. As my own method of self-help, I stumbled upon a really great website that I visit periodically. The Toronto Trauma Survivor Group is an amazing site that I visit when I feel I may need some peace of mind. It also helps me to justify some of the extra safety habits I have come to adopt as a result of the fire, such as taking the stairs rather than an elevator, or sitting near the exit door whenever possible. Dr. Lukas tells me it’s all part of my PTSD and the bouts of paranoia will likely lessen over time as longs as I continue to seek help when needed. Visiting this website also helps reassure me I am still, indeed, normal. I’m a normal person having normal responses to an abnormal event. It’s also nice to see there are others out there who take the same precautions after having survived a traumatic event. An event I will never forget.

  “Claire, did you see the emergency box? I just want to make sure we have it.” Shit. I can’t leave it behind.

  “Yes, it’s right there on top of the box with my new desk in it. Don’t worry,” she says. “We won’t forget it. I’ll make sure. I put it there last night when your dad and I brought the desk down. I figured that way we know it will get put in the truck.” Claire rubs my arm. She knows how important it is to me.

  I taper down my thoughts of the fire, uttering a silent thanks to my fairy godmother that no one was badly hurt and for looking out for all of us on that day. Especially me. This thanking routine has become something I find myself doing anytime I think back and remember that fiery night.

  “I still can’t believe how much stuff we’ve managed to accumulate between us. I didn’t realize how much we actually needed to replace,” I note, while shifting through the pile after double-checking all the items in my emergency box are, indeed, still there.

  “Thank goodness, we each have our own room this year. How the hell did we ever have space to move around in that damn dorm?” Claire questions as we continue to sort through the bags. “See, there is always a silver lining…a bright side, if you will, to any situation. You just need to let yourself find it.” She grins and I nod.

  Claire Knox will always be my bright side, my very own silver lining finder.

  Chapter 2

  Kat

  August

  Claire and I are moving back to campus early, with help from my mom and dad. They insisted on coming to help us for at least half the day. I think my mom is more worried about how I’ll react to the new living arrangements than anything. But seeing as I need my dad to install a few things, it actually works out perfectly. We’re moving back just over a month before classes start because we were both lucky enough to score waitressing jobs at the popular bar, Pub Fiction.

  Apparently, Pub Fiction has just gone through a big turnover in staff, and Levi, the owner, asked if we’d like to start work early. Seeing as my usual summer job fell through, this was just what I needed. With school starting in September, most of us wouldn’t be coming back to school for another few weeks yet. Thankfully, my parents are okay with Claire and me only spending a part of our summer vacation back home with them this year. My mom took more convincing than my dad, but in the end, she understood that we are two twenty-two-year-old women who need to start being more independent.

  “Oh, wow!” I say as we unlock the front door and step inside, beaming with relief as we arrive at our new home for the school year. It’s perfect. It’s crisp and clean and smells of fresh linen with hints of vanilla lingering in the air. The smell reminds me of my favourite candle combination called My Fresh Laundry from CandleWorx. Looking around, I’m instantly relieved it’s not a dive. Like, let out a sigh of relief glad. I was admittedly worried the house would be run-down, having been lived in by students over the years. But it’s honestly in perfect condition. Ugh, I really am a stressor, aren’t I?

  “Nothing like finishing up our last year in style, hey, Claire? This place looks awesome,” I say as I continue to take in my surroundings. I feel a sense of calm at the looks of our new home and neighbourhood. I can’t really explain why I feel this way, but I do. I’ve heard nothing but good things about these residences and cannot wait to experience it for myself. The house is located on a cul-de-sac, which is one big loop with condo-style townhouses along either side, allowing up to six students per house. It’s honestly a little slice of university heaven, especially for us seniors.

  The Village, as it’s called, has been open for about five years and is in the best location on campus. It’s close to everything—always allowing for an extra few minutes of shut-ey
e—compared to our old dorm room, which was all the way on the outskirts of the campus grounds. The real highlight for me, though, is having my own room and a non-communal bathroom. That shit is just wrong. Claire is right; there are a few ways to see some kind of a silver lining to that fire.

  “I know, Kat. How lucky are we to get a spot in the Village, and manage to stay together on top of it? Somebody must definitely like us,” says Claire. “I heard from Lucy Scott the other day that many of them ended up with new roommates this year. She and Sue aren’t together, and they’ve been roommates since first year.”

  Not getting to stay roommates with Claire would have been devastating for me. Between the fire and the what if’s still always looming in the back of my mind, combined with the shit from my ass-of-an-ex, Seth, not having Claire might have been the straw that broke the camel’s back.

  “Oh, God, I can’t imagine not being roommates. That would have been terrible. I don’t think I could stand to be away from you, Claire Bear. You’re my back-up, the cheese to my macaroni, the fork to my knife, my bestie…most of all you are my sister from another mister!” We both end up chanting the last bit. Claire and I have been saying that silly chant since we were little girls and getting into all sorts of trouble.

  Claire Knox and I have been friends for as long as I can remember. We’ve always been thick as thieves; our father’s referring to us as “double trouble.” Growing up, our families were practically next-door neighbours, living only four houses apart on Valley Drive in the city of Stoney Creek. We vacationed together and always celebrated every holiday as one huge group. Looking back, I barely have any memories that don’t include Claire and her parents, Tom and Maggie.

  Suddenly, when she was fourteen, her parents died in a car crash while driving home from a work function. It was devastating. Seeing that our moms had been best friends since they were kids, it was a no-brainer that Claire would move in with us. With my parents being named in their last will and testament as the ones to care for Claire, the transition of her moving in with us was a non-issue. And, as a team, we coped and supported each other through one of the hardest times in our lives. Without a doubt, Claire and I are better when we are together.